So yesterday was my first day back at work. I was up at 5:30am after not sleeping probably the entire night. My wonderful baby Preston woke up at 1:30am and again at 4:30am. He is NOT a good sleeper! To make things worse Trey had a nightmare around 11:30pm so I was in his room comforting him when I could have been asleep. Welcome to the wonderful world of motherhood. Anyway, Paul is being an amazing helper by getting Trey up and dressed in the morning so while I am showering Trey is on the couch watching Dora and drinking milk. Believe me this makes my morning much easier.
Anyway none of that stuff has anything to do with the title "oncology." As many of my friends and family know I have been a cancer nurse for many years. I have adapted to dealing with death and dying very well. Many of the nurses I work with have 20+ years in oncology and have also come to realize more than others that death is a part of life. Nonetheless I would say that even when a death is expected for a family, when it happens it always feels unexpected (hopefully that made sense to you). So I was in an exam room with an older woman and her two daughters yesterday. The mother was just given the diagnosis of breast cancer which had spread to many of her bones. This was her second battle with breast cancer and I know she prayed this would never haunt her again. Her daughters were a little older than myself and very attentive to their mother and her care. When the doctor told her that the goal of treatment is to keep the disease stable (stop more growth) and maintain good quality of care for the rest of her life because there wasnt a cure, the oldest daughter begun to cry.
As a cancer nurse I have seen and heard many people be given their options, diagnosis, and prognosis. I have been able to keep a dry eye and go home to my family while leaving all those emotions at the office but things are now changing. My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer 2 years ago. She had a wonderful recovery and is cancer free praise God! But at that moment yesterday for one of the first times I saw myself in their shoes. My mothers diagnosis has changed the way I view cancer and especially breast cancer. I don't think I have ever lived with the idea that nothing could happen to me especially something bad but once sadness effects you personally your views on life change. I know that this could happen to me and I know that it could happen to my mother again. I pray and ask God to protect us from this cruel disease and give us a rich long life with our families but all I can do is pray.
Oncology isn't what it use to be for me because of what happened to my mother and because it took my mother's mother away from me. It also makes me to sad to know that my children could lose me. There are many times when you shed happy tears because that person beat the odds and were given a second chance; but then those sad tears just come right back.
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3 comments:
Beautiful post. As a widow of a man who died due to esophagus cancer, I know not to take anything for granted. Until you are personally hit with the devastation of loss, many can sympathize but they don't really get the full "brunt" or understanding of that loss, or impending loss. In the last 5 years I've come to understand there is many times a gap between society as a whole understanding grief and those who have lived the loss first hand. I wish you the best.
I couldn't work there because I know I would get emotionally involved with every case. So many people in my family have died from or are now living with cancer. I agree that we have to treasure every moment with out loved ones on this earth because we never know how long we can enjoy them. My mom died 14 years ago from cancer and my only wish is that my children don't have to experience that.
Dealing with death and sickness is why I stayed FAR AWAY from a medical career. Thanks for sharing such a private experience.
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